Living in a State of Confusion
I do not want to live in a constant state of confusion but the fact of the matter is I am right now. I want to be responsible in my cho. ices and so I grapple with the choices I have in front of me. I wonder many times if the responsibilities of my life are the reason I live in confusion, I wonder if I think the grass is greener on the other side, and I wonder if I have the courage to take a leap of faith. Part of my state of confusion is due to my inability to let go. I know I hang on too long - whether an idea that isn't going anywhere, a person who has hurt me or a job that is truly unsatisfying. Like many problems, I suppose recognizing the problem is half of the battle right? So I have to dig into the root of my inability to let go. For the idea that isn't going anywhere, those I think I should not let go but get organized and develop a detailed plan on how to make it work. From there, the ideas that have a real shot will bubble up and the remaining ones can stay on the shelf but I do have to release them from my every day thought process. I think I hang onto them because to continue to dwell on them gives me some comfort and allows me to ignore that I have not yet brought anyone to action. Things are going to change. For the person who has hurt me, I know this goes back to my childhood and a family member that continuously hurt me and that only spurred me to try harder for her to love and accept me, even believe things she told to me that I know are not true but she said to keep me hanging on. Funny it has taken years and her passing earlier this year for me to be able to acknowledge this path without living the hurt over again. With her passing and helping sort out her belongings, it came out that she kept things and had small notes that told me she did love me and did accept me, I just didn't see it nor would she let me see it. I know for others, I can't wait 40 years to find out and hope I find those notes and items to show it how somebody feels. I know I have to realize who is really there to love and accept me and wiling to show it through words and action. And to let go of those who don't. Things are going to change.
For the job that I find rather unsatisfactory, I struggle with the job that keeps me and my kids sustained and taking a leap of faith into something else. While I didn't plan to stay in my field as long as I have and have had some good moments, the last six years have been the hardest of a 25+ year career. So what should I do now that I can choose a career or job path? Part of that is determining what that next job is and similar to the ideas noted above, as a long as I toss around the ideas in my head, I can avoid the task to write them down, research them and take action on the start of my next career and put the other options on the shelf. Things are going to change. So today I choose to no longer live in a state of confusion. I know it will not be an easy task but I am strong, I have courage and I'm not afraid to fail. I must make this change to improve my life, use my energy for positive progress and come to a place of peace, if only in my mind. Things are going to change! ~ChaCha
